A Daily Practice
Let’s talk coping today. Shall we? I know, it’s personal. That is okay. I will be gentle. For many of us, when we feel increasing levels of distress and overwhelm, we fall back on coping patterns from our childhood. Normally, how we cope is unconscious. We are not aware of it. And much of our coping stems from a wound of some sort.
A few examples? If we grow up feeling unworthy, we may be more prone to perfectionism as a way to compensate for the profound inner lack we feel. If we grow up with a lot of conflict in our home, we may have tried to erase or deny our needs as children so as to not further burden our stressed-out parent(s). If we grow up with parents who lack emotional maturity, we may step into the adult role as children and attempt to take care of a parent’s emotional or physical needs. If our parents had strong preferences with regard to how we behave and tied it to their expression of love and approval, we are more apt to hide parts of ourselves that were viewed as “bad” and engage in a split identity.
IMPORTANT**Whatever coping we pick up as children, it is not a conscious choice. We are just attempting to meet basic needs that are not being met.
SO WHAT IS THE PROBLEM?
We cope how we cope, right? Not necessarily.
Reactive ways of coping that emerge during childhood can create a disconnect with ourselves (that can then create a disconnect with those we love). We may disassociate, focus on pleasing others, avoid our feelings, or try to control ourselves or our environment. Notice how all of these examples require a focus on the EXTERNAL. We look outside of ourselves in an attempt to make things better as opposed to connecting internally. This tendency creates a pattern where we learn to neglect and abandon ourselves (unconsciously, of course) at a time when we most need to feel grounded in ourselves. As a result, in the long term, we lose touch with our own needs. We may begin to reflexively look outside of ourselves for the love, safety, approval, and reassurance we deeply desire not realizing that it must be cultivated within us before we can truly love anyone, including ourselves.
We can have compassion and gratitude for the coping skills that brought us to this point AND also decide we may be ready to break unhealthy patterns with ourselves and those we love (especially our children).
We all have value separate from our roles and how we function within relationship to those we love. We have inherent worth as differentiated, singular beings. And when we pause to recognize our own needs at any given moment, we become fully embodied and known first and foremost to ourselves—which as it turns out is EVERYTHING when it comes to loving well.
How can we possibly show up in relationships with others if we do not know our own needs, let alone how to meet them?
THE PRACTICE
Consider beginning a daily practice designed to have you connect with yourself in a given moment. Create a space where you are your own answer.
ASK YOURSELF THIS QUESTION. “WHAT DO I NEED IN THIS MOMENT?”
TAKE A MOMENT TO LISTEN.
HERE ARE A FEW THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR…
I need to sit down and rest.
I need a drink of water.
I need to eat.
I need to calm my mind (take a short walk, take a deep breath or two or three).
I need a moment to step outside and just BE with the world.
I need a hug or a kind touch.
I need to be heard (can you listen to yourself for a moment in love?)
I need to stimulate my brain.
I need to create.
I need space.
I need to move my body for the next minute or two.
I need to laugh.
I need a nap.
I need to feel warmth.
I need to grieve and feel.
I need help.
WE ALL DESERVE TO FEEL SAFE AND SEEN. IT BEGINS WITHIN US. TRY THIS SIMPLE PRACTICE OF CONNECTING WITH YOURSELF EACH DAY. PRACTICE BEING “HOME” TO YOU. TRY ALLOWING YOURSELF TO FEEL SEEN, HEARD, AND VALUED BY YOU— BEFORE LOOKING TO OTHERS TO PROVIDE THIS FOR YOU. THIS IS A PRACTICE. IT DOES TAKE TIME. IT IS ALSO TRANSFORMATIVE.
SO TELL ME…HOW DO YOU COPE IN TIMES OF CONFLICT, SADNESS, OR DISTRESS? DO YOU HUSTLE? DO YOU TRY TO AVOID THE FEELINGS? WHAT DO YOU NEED IN THIS MOMENT?
