Q+A - What Can I Do to Process the Grief I Feel?
The experience of grief and loss is omnipresent during this time of the coronavirus. We have lost our sense of normalcy. We have lost our feeling of general safety especially when around other people. We no longer can count on our ability to trust in and plan for the future. Many of us have felt the loss associated with our jobs and incomes. Our sense of identity has been altered. We have lost our ability to touch many of those we love. We have had to limit our social networks at the very time we need them most. Many have lost their loved ones—without being able to say goodbye. Partnerships have felt strained. The loss is real. We have experienced an interrupted life moment that has left our inner and outer worlds feeling irreparably changed.
Some losses may flow through us easily like a breeze moves a curtain. Others may stick and stay around for a while, popping up intermittently and without warning. It is likely that we will experience a grief or two or three during our lifetime that stops us in our tracks. Grief demands our attention—make no mistake about that. And unprocessed grief (we all have it) may re-emerge later in life—calling us forth, beckoning us toward healing. We are being asked to bring what sits in darkness out into the light.
That is why during this particular time, so many people are reminded of other losses. We are unconsciously reminded of the other times our lives felt out of control or filled with fear. We are experiencing compounded grief. As our world changes, we are reminded of previous unwelcome transitions like death, divorce, illness, empty nest, a shift in belief, relationship stresses--these losses have the potential to change the very nature of who we are. But not before we have truly looked them in the eye and broken open with regard to who we are, how we love, and how we want to live.
If you have an interest or are desiring to hear more about loss (and birth), feel free to watch the reading of my “Broken Open” essay here.
When I meet with a person who is dealing with acute or compounded losses of this stature, I recommend incorporating a grief practice or ritual of some kind. What these practices look and feel like are completely personal and up to the individual but I do suggest the incorporation of two elements.
A PLEASURE ELEMENT AND A PROCESSING ELEMENT
THE IMPORTANCE OF PLEASURE.
When we are in a state of loss, life often loses its luster temporarily. We live more in our minds. Contemplating what might have been or how different the world feels to us amidst this new reality. We are prone to anxiety (ruminating about our future) or depression (feeling the heavy burden of our past). Pleasure anchors us back into the present moment. It reminds us of who we are and begs that we connect with the world that is before us right now. I remember one example of this happening for me the morning after my dad died. Overwhelmed with grief, I ventured out for a walk in a nearby canyon. With each step, I talked to my dad (in my mind) as I wondered where he was and contemplated how this could be the first day of my entire life without him. “Where are you? Where did you go? Are you okay?” As I walked, I came to a rock bathed in sunshine. I sat down for a moment and lifted my face to the sun. As I tuned into my senses--the warmth on my face, the birds singing, the sound of leaves rustling--I felt a tangible sense of relief and peace for a moment. For a brief time, I was transported out of my pain state and into pure presence. This is the power of pleasure. You are in charge of finding things that bring you back to the present moment. Make a pleasure list. There are no “shoulds” here— your choices should feel tempting to you.
HERE ARE SOME POTENTIAL IDEAS:
Cook and prepare a favorite meal mindfully. Lean into your senses as you go.
Hike in nature. Tune into what you hear, smell, see and feel…over and over again.
Enjoy healthy sex. Stay fully present and in your body as you can. Esther Perel describes sex as “a place you go inside yourself with another.”
Enjoy a massage. Stay with the sensations in your body for the session.
Savor a hot drink. Sip slowly. Feel the warmth of the cup. Breathe deeply.
Watch a favorite movie or tv show
Read in bed and go to bed early
Take a bath with salts or special oils
Sit outside for a moment and connect with your senses. What do you hear? Smell? Feel?
You get the idea. Pleasure reminds us of the good stuff of life. It relieves us of the burden of our minds for a while.
THE IMPORTANCE OF PROCESSING.
Grief must be felt and expressed. If we try to race through loss or avoid this process--grief tends to find us in unhealthier ways (overworking, overeating, feeling stuck or in a state of perpetual depression, etc..). Processing our experiences allows us the chance to show up for ourselves. To tend what needs tending. This space is sacred in that much of what we find in our grief affects how we move forward. Learning to navigate this space is the key to living a conscious and reflective life.
HERE ARE SOME POTENTIAL OPTIONS:
Write or journal your feelings (write a letter to the person you lost, or to your ex. Write poetry. Write what you loved about the person or what qualities you wish to embody. Write stream of consciousness feelings. What have you lost? What has been birthed amidst that loss?). Grief is processed differently when we write it out. It can feel tremendously relieving.
Practice a grief meditation of some sort (see here for details)
Talk with a therapist, life coach, or trusted friend
Practice yoga
Meditate
Listen to music that connects you to the loss you feel. Cry. Let your feelings out.
Daily practice is ideal for those who are feeling an acute sense of pain. A sample ritual would include both a pleasure and a processing component. Connect with yourself in this process. You will sense what you need as you test out different options. Maybe it is 10 minutes of a pleasure activity and 10 minutes of a processing option each morning. Maybe you find that you process best in the morning but enjoy more flexibility with your pleasure component. This should feel good to you. Honor yourself. Lean into grief. Know that in time--we metabolize grief into greater awareness, compassion, respect for life and time, and understanding of love and what it means to be alive. You are not alone.
WHAT LOSSES HAVE YOU FELT THE PAST SEVERAL MONTHS? WHAT HAVE YOU HAD TO LET GO OF IN ORDER TO ADAPT? HAVE THERE BEEN BIRTHS THAT HAVE BEEN UNEXPECTED? NEW REALIZATIONS? I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE NOTICED AND HOW YOU PROCESS YOUR GRIEF.
