Q+A - What Do You Do to Calm Down When You Are Triggered or Overwhelmed?
Hello there, readers! Thank you all for submitting such amazing questions last week! You have definitely given me plenty to think about! You were all so lovely and earnest in asking your questions. As you might imagine, I had quite the range in questions. We have upcoming blogposts ranging from my skincare routine to how to show up and support the emotional health of our teenage sons. I received emails about how and why to menu plan, what my favorite hygge items are, and what a grief practice might look like. So, let’s begin!
TODAY’S QUESTION
WHAT DO YOU DO TO CALM DOWN WHEN YOU ARE TRIGGERED OR OVERWHELMED?
It is natural that we often meet our own wounds within the relationships of those we love most. I speak a bit about this dynamic in marriage here and with children here. How do we know we are hitting a wound? It is very likely we are touching a deeper wound if we suddenly feel emotionally overwhelmed or out of control during some of our daily interactions with our loved ones. It might feel like a rush of negativity suddenly pouring over us in a way that feels large, scary, and out of control. We feel in danger. So what to do about it? Know that the first step is being aware that we are feeling overwhelmed in a moment we are sharing with someone we care about. That awareness is everything. It may start out that we have the awareness after we have hurt our loved ones but soon enough, we will begin noticing in the middle of a reactive moment— and with some practice, before we have responded at all. Growth can feel so empowering!
Here are some tips that I actually use when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed.
I press pause and keep the emotional connection. This may sound something like this. “I am noticing that I am feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break for now. I really love you and can see this is important to you. How about I circle back in _____ hours when I can respond more mindfully?” I only speak for myself here. Do not say, “You are getting angry so how about we take a break so you can calm down?” I work to maintain eye contact. I try to show all the warmth my little heart can muster. Touch is good too. A hug or hand squeeze can go a long way to reassure. What I have now created is an environment that communicates safety as opposed to emotional reactivity and abandonment. I try to remember, “I love this person!” Now it is time to move on. Daylight is burning, after all! In the meantime, I practice keeping that emotional connection while the issue remains unresolved. This response will feel entirely new to many of us who grew up in households where conflict was deeply disturbing to the fabric of our lives. Know that by practicing this conscious response, we are preventing damage. Well done! When we are in a reactive state, we are not ourselves, right? We are living in fight or flight where our IQ plummets and we may say all sorts of things we don’t mean. Of equal importance, we now have a moment to tend and care for ourselves when we are hurting (which we all deserve).
I take a moment to soothe myself. I contemplate, “What do I need right now?”
If I am in a car or have limited options, I take deep breaths. I focus on my full breath and repeat soothing statements in my mind until I can calm down. I might turn on music I like or change the topic of conversation. This may be enough. If I need more, I can add options when I am home and have more time.
If I am feeling more intense pain and want some privacy… I find my way to my bedroom closet! Truly! I shut the door—and just sit there in the dark for a bit. I may put on a meditation session designed to soothe. I may focus on my breath. In a moment or two, I may feel more ready to process what just happened. I allow myself to fully feel what I need to. I can cry. Get mad. I let it all out. Take your time here. No rush. Then, I get curious. Why am I so upset? What is happening here? I work hard to listen to myself. I try to explore more deeply than just the situation at hand. “When is another time I felt like this in my life?” If I feel triggered deeply from my childhood, I have recently started a practice where I visualize myself as a little girl feeling what I am feeling in this moment. When did I used to feel this way? Then I see my present day self going to comfort and care for me as a little girl. You can see a bit more about this here. This is an emotionally-based technique—as well as a highly effective practice. By now, I am usually feeling calmer and understanding myself a bit better.
If I just need some space to process (most of the time), I can skip the closet and…
Read a centering book like The Awakened Family or A New Earth
Take a short walk
Step outside. Breathe. Get in touch with my senses. What do I see? Smell? Feel?
Listen to comforting music
Enjoy a bath
Go for a run
I set an intention and strategize how I want to show up in the future conversation. I might create an intention for the conversation. I might thinking about using an emotional distancing technique if the subject is tricky for me— by focusing on my breath. I might ask, “What would love look like in this moment?” or “What does my loved one most need right now?” I might connect with my values. I might remind myself to not feel scared when differentiation shows up…because it likely will! I am now more conscious and present—and I have tools.
I re-engage when I am ready. What is important here is that whoever presses pause must come back around in the time indicated. This builds trust and a sense of taking responsibility for our emotional selves. Now that I have taken some time to show up for myself, I am much more apt to come from a grounded place. Sometimes, I will begin connection with sharing my vulnerability. I may choose to share why I feel scared about this conversation (carefully keeping the focus on me and not them). I may apologize if my child or partner was blindsided or felt ashamed or scared by my reaction. I try to be mindful of using the winning strategies in relationships. I get curious. I try to listen. I ask questions with a desire to understand. I try to validate everything I can. I practice showing generosity. The process is the end.
I regularly prioritize soothing and grounding practices like meditation, yoga, healthy sleep, walking in nature, reading science-based relationship books that emphasize conscious relationships, and mindful breathing throughout the day. These simple practices provide a foundation for an intentional way of moving through the world. They are the MVPs in my emotional toolbox kit. I pull a few out every day—and supplement with the others as I can.
Note: An important thing to be aware of is how often our reactivity is showing up in our lives. If we notice a pattern emerging amidst all of our best efforts to regulate our emotions, we may need to increase those grounding practices while simplifying our stress as we can. We may also benefit from outside support through the help of therapists, coaches, partners, and babysitters. This can be HUGE. Don’t wait to receive the support you desire. You are worth it!
WHAT WOULD YOU ADD TO THESE PRACTICES? WHAT DID I MISS? WHAT WORKS BEST FOR YOU?
MIGHT I GENTLY SUGGEST AN ACTION STEP? CREATE A LOVELY LIST OF SOOTHING PRACTICES THAT YOU CAN TURN TO WHEN YOU ARE FEELING DISTRESSED. THIS IS A LOVE PRACTICE. WE ALL DESERVE TO HAVE MOMENTS WHERE WE RECOGNIZE WHAT WE NEED AND GIVE IT TO OURSELVES.
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. I HOPE YOU HAVE SOME MOMENTS OF PLEASURE THIS WEEK!
